Useless
by maureenbrown
Summary: The five times Jay cried and the one time Carlos saved him. One-shot, angst-filled Jaylos with a slightly happy ending. Trigger warnings to suicide.


A/N: GUESS HOW PROUD OF THIS I AM? Very proud. I'm sorry if this made you sad too. This turned out _way_ darker than I expected.

 **I**

Jay figures that crying is a better alternative than any other types of abuse he could inflict on himself.

Sure, it's not the best thing he could do to make himself feel better, but he was out of options.

Right now, he's holed up in his "room," his hands pressed hard into his face to stop the flow of tears.

He wants to tell somebody, _anybody_ , how he feels, but he can't.

Jay wishes he had a father. A real father, like the ones in Auradon, that don't force you to steal valuables so they can rise to power. The type of fathers that respect their kids and actually love them.

Jafar has only said "I love you," to Jay once.

His arms tremble, the memory triggers more sobs.

x-x-x

It was the first time Jay ever brought him a lamp. He didn't rub it, because he wanted his dad to be the one to release the possible genie that remained trapped inside.

He was only eight, his eyes glimmering with hope and pride as he sprinted through the market place, running so swiftly that Jay knocked into another boy.

They both went tumbling, down a steep, dank alley, before they got their bearings.

Once Jay scrambled up, his eyes met a pair of dark brown ones. His hair was raven black at the roots, but dyed white at the top. He had adorable freckles and a surprised expression.

Jay instantly recognized him as Carlos de Vil, the son of Cruella, a "friend" of his dads.

"Are you okay?" The other boy asked. His voice was squeaky, higher than Jay's. Jafar's son resisted the urge to tease him about it, after all, he was a couple years younger than him.

"Of course I am. I've been through _much_ worse…" He paused. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little cut. I'm fine." Carlos inspects his knee.

"That's what happens when you wear shorts all the time." Jay informs him proudly and haughtily.

"How do you know I wear them all the time?" Carlos looks up, raising his eyebrow accusingly at him.

"Umm… I was just guessing." Jay lied. He was still getting used to that. It was much easier to fib once he nicked something, not when he had been caught red-handed sneaking glances at the cute boy before.

Carlos opened his mouth to retort, but his name was called from the top of the street.

The boy visibly winced, before he yelled, "coming, mother!" His feet stayed planted to the ground for a long second, before he ran off without a goodbye.

Jay decided now was his cue to set off and give the lamp to his father then. He ran out of the alley, passing the de Vil's, all the way back to his house.

Jay burst in excitedly through the front door, yelling. "Dad! Dad! Come quick, I found something!"

Jafar strolled in, noticeably faster than normal. "What is it, son?" He asked, peering down upon the little boy.

Jay revealed the dirty, rusted lamp from the inside of his motorcycle jacket.

Jafar's eyes widened and for a second, respect flashed through them. "Your first lamp! Son, I'm so proud of you. I love you." He said.

Jay's breath caught in his throat and his eyes burned, but he resisted the urge to bawl his eyes out. He had to watch and see if the lamp was useful.

Jafar took the lamp with glee, cradling it and inspecting it for a minute. Then, he wiped his sleeve along the lamp.

Nothing happened.

His expression displayed some doubt, but he tried again.

No genie came.

Jafar threw the lamp down, startling Jay. "You're useless." He uttered darkly.

"I… What?" His son asked in shock.

"You're completely _unimportant_ and _disposable!_ " Jafar raised his voice, towering over Jay. "Get out of my sight! Don't stop until you've found another lamp!"

Jay turned and sprinted out of the house, his eyes going blurry.

He pulled over behind another home, tears fogging his vision, but he refused to let them fall. This was just a minor setback, he'd find another lamp and his father _would_ be happy.

A window cracked open above Jay and he darted to the side, ceasing his sniffling. He hid in the shadows, getting in a stance so that he could turn and leave any second.

Carlos poked his head out of the window, the same charming six year old that Jay had literally run into earlier today. Except now he had a black eye, and a scratch along his cheekbone.

"H-Hello?" He called out timidly.

Jay wanted to show himself, climb up and reassure him.

He never did.

x-x-x

Great, just great, Jay thinks. Now he's sobbing like a baby all over again.

He wants to tell his father about his problems, but he can't, because they're all because of him.

 **II**

Now that he's in Auradon, he finds that he spends more time holed up in the bathroom and crying as softly as possible more than he did back in the Isle.

Right now, he's thankful that Ben agreed to take Carlos out to help him with tourney because it leaves him time alone.

As he slides to the ground against the wall, holding his chest as the tears leak out of his eyes, he finds his thoughts turning to Mal. Probably because a little bit ago she was chewing him out for failing to snatch the wand.

He couldn't explain his reasoning behind what he did, he said it was because of his impulsivity and kleptomaniac ways, but Jay really just wanted to prove himself to the team.

Well, you screwed that up, he thinks to himself bitterly.

He trusts Mal, though. He wants to be better friends with her.

Maybe, just maybe, they could confide with one another. Jay and Mal have a lot of similarities, they're both the rocks of the group.

Still, Mal is stronger than him, there's no denying that (at least, not out loud).

Compared to her, Jay feels inevitably _weak_ , and that's not something he wants to be seen as.

So he keeps it inside, till his head pounds and his hands shake and he runs out of tears.

 **III**

Jay can imagine Evie's reaction if she found out all the times he said he was practicing for tourney, when really he was cowering in the locker room.

Jay's glad for the momentary distraction as he wipes his eyes, hoping to focus on his best friend.

The Evil Queen's daughter, in all honestly, would endlessly pity him. Jay _despises_ sympathy (even though there wasn't a lot of that floating around).

I can handle myself, Jay lies to himself.

He would tell his best friend if it weren't for the fact that everything would change. Evie would baby him and never look at him the same way again.

Every move he made, everything he said, she would take into account.

In other cases, that's great, but not now.

In fact, he's pretty sure she knows somethings up with him. Evie's good at reading people like that.

Jay makes sure to get his pent up angst out, because under Evie's close watch, who knows when the next time he'll be able to do this will be.

 **IV**

Carlos is the person he wants to tell most of all. He's understanding and silent for the most part when Jay talks, ready to be there for emotional support if anybody needs it.

But Jay can't bring himself to pester Carlos or even tell him one of his problems.

He doesn't because he knows Carlos has it much, _much_ worse than him.

Jay chastises himself and holds back the tears, even though they're already making it hard to see. His problems are so insignificant, just like him.

Why waste his time fretting over making his father proud when Cruella _physically abuses her son_?

It took Jay a few years to put two and two together.

He's never been the sharpest tool in the shed, but Carlos hides his pain well. He knows now to hide his scars and bruises with makeup. He never talks about it.

Jay can't tell if Mal and Evie have noticed over the years, but they've never said anything about it around him.

Jay remembers when his ignorance was replaced with knowledge.

This time, he lets the tears come.

x-x-x

It was Carlos' thirteenth birthday, and Jay was fourteen (almost fifteen).

The son of Jafar had decided to swing by Carlos' house and surprise him with a red motorcycle jacket he'd bought himself (never mind that he'd nicked the money).

He had climbed up the drain pipe silently, it was something he'd done before when he wanted to see Carlos (which was, in fact, all the time).

Jay pulled the window up and crawled through, expecting to see the de Vil boy on his bed.

Instead, he heard a yelp from the bathroom and some shuffling.

Jay wished he didn't care as much as he did for Carlos, but no such luck. He strode across the room and swung open the door.

Carlos froze as if caught in the act of something, his fingers covered in goopy foundation and raised underneath his eye. The ring around his right eye was covered at the top, but very visible at the bottom. "Jay, I-"

"No." Jay interrupted, and his voice sounded impossibly strangled. It felt like the air had been stolen from his lungs and his heart was being smashed with a mallet.

"Did Cruella do this?" He snarled.

"It's fine, Jay, please-"

"This is in no way fine, Carlos!" Jay slammed his fist against the counter.

He stepped closer to Carlos, taking his hand away from his eye so he could examine it. Jay noticed a faint circle on his other eye, like it was inflicted a couple days ago.

It felt like a punch to the gut to Jay, why hadn't he noticed this before?

Tears leaked out of Carlos's eyes, the foundation becoming see-through as they rolled down his face.

"You should've told me." Jay said gruffly before yanking Carlos to his chest. He wrapped his arms around the white-haired boys neck tightly, but not so it was in a choke-hold.

Hesitant, trembling arms found their way around Jay's middle as Carlos broke down, sobbing into his chest.

Not the ideal way to spend his birthday, but Jay knew that Carlos felt at least a little at peace in his arms. He knew Jafar's son wouldn't advertise his mother's abuse and would be there in the future.

Never had Jay wanted to kiss someone that badly until then.

He didn't act on it, in fear of rejection and scolding himself for his selfishness.

x-x-x

Jay's hands held against his head tightly. The downfall for spending hours and hours weeping came the killer migraine that followed.

He reminds himself that the pain should be nothing to him.

After all, Carlos has been put through hell.

He can survive this, he tells himself.

More tears follow.

Jay knows he can't.

 **V**

Jay sits on the roof, his face cradled in his hands. There isn't the usual tsunami of tears, just the steady cascade of them as they drip onto his hands and fall into the night sky.

It's a month after the battle with Maleficent. Knowing that his father is still out there (and even worse, so is Cruella, waiting to strike at Carlos again) has been tearing him apart.

He doesn't want to sound wimpy, they've all been through the worst parts.

Besides, they'll just remind him that they're not coming to Auradon. If they haven't already, then they won't ever. Jay isn't convinced.

He peers down to see the sidewalk below. Would it hurt that much to die? Jay wonders.

It's a hundred foot drop, it'd surely kill him if he tried. He shifts closer to the edge curiously.

Would it really be so bad if he were to jump? Probably not.

His existence hasn't been doing much good to the world ever since he was born.

Jay imagines his friends telling him not to, but it's drowned out by the beating of his heart and the adrenaline coursing through him.

His feet find its way off the roof and they swing there. Jay can't think straight.

 **VI**

Carlos is worried. When he gets stressed, he takes Dude on walks, which is what he's doing right now.

He hasn't seen Jay for hours, which is abnormal for him. He normally leaves a note at the very least, but Carlos was told nothing.

Plus, walking Dude gives him a chance to scan the campus for Jafar's son.

"Carlos!" A sweet sounding voice yells behind him, and he turns to see Evie. She's running as fast as she can in those heels of hers, with Mal way ahead of her.

"Have you seen Jay?" Mal asks immediately.

Carlos shakes his head, becoming more restless.

Evie arrives, breathing irregularly, but looking as flawless as always. "We haven't heard from him at _all_ today. I'm starting to get anxious." Evie says and Carlos can hear that she's way past the point of 'starting to.'

"I haven't seen him either, I'm looking around for him with Dude." He nods at his pet.

"We dropped by your dorm and found this." Mal reached her hand out to Evie, who pulled his signature maroon beanie out of her bag.

"I have a great idea!" Evie said, bouncing on her toes excitedly. "We could have Dude smell it and lead us to him."

Carlos wishes he'd thought of that himself, but he'll leave time to internally yell at himself later.

"You're brilliant, E." Mal compliments with a smile and her best friend beams. She kneels down and lets Dude sniff his hat.

Carlos' dog barks a couple times before pulling on his leash, heading off back to the castle.

"He's been there this whole time?" He mutters to himself disbelievingly. He hopes he's not in trouble.

Carlos speeds up the pace and runs, Dude going as fast as he can on his pudgy four legs, Mal and Evie racing behind him.

Dude all but yanks him up the stairs and Carlos starts to doubt him, what the hell would Jay be doing all the way at the top of the castle.

A couple minutes later, he's at the top and Dude is barking wildly at the trapdoor that leads to the roof. If Jay is actually up there, he has to hurry.

He climbs up the ladder and shoves open the door, scrambling onto the roof.

Jay stands at the very edge, his eyes red and puffy in the moonlight.

"J-Jay?" He asks cautiously, assessing the situation. Carlos has _never_ seen Jay cry, and he's not sure anybody else has either. He's standing a foot away from thin air, and the white-haired boy's heartbeat spikes up a little.

"Jay, get away from the ledge." He says, and his voice is surprisingly stable, stronger than he would've thought.

Jay's lips trembles, as do his hands, and he shakes his head rigidly.

"Jay, please…" Forget the brave façade, Carlos' voice cracks.

There's a quiet gasp behind Cruella's son and he can tell Evie and Mal are there, but they stay silent.

Jay looks over the edge, and Carlos gets ready to make a dive for him. Jafar's son could very well pull him over the side also, but dying in the arms of someone he cares the most about in the whole _universe_ is probably the best way to go.

"I'm sick of being so weak all the time." Jay utters, and his voice sounds so _broken_ that Carlos stops a sob from being heard.

"Talk to me, then." He tries.

"I can't!" Jay's tone is a front, attempting to bring back his wall but failing. "I can't."

"Jay, come here." He whispers, and he hopes he can hear it, but Carlos can't raise his voice anymore.

The night is nearly silent. The only things that can be heard are the wind howling and Evie's stifled gasps of her own. There's a little creaking, Mal must be pulling Evie down from the scene to collect herself.

Carlos doesn't dare turn to confirm his suspicions just in case Jay jumps.

There's a sudden move, and Carlos freezes, then Jay's in his arms. His scent, a vague hint of chocolate and a little bit of sweat, invades his senses.

Jay doesn't cry, and neither does Carlos. There's no more tears to shed.

Carlos pulls Jay closer, molding their bodies together, the tickle of Jay's long hair under his chin.

Jay backs up, but Cruella's son lashes out and grabs his hand, quickly interlocking his fingers together. He tells Jay with his eyes that if he jumps, Carlos will go with him.

Jay then crashes their lips together, clumsily and a bit violently. Their teeth clash and shivers fly up Carlos' spine, but he's so relieved that Jay is still here and that he's _kissing him_ that he could care less how shocking it is.

Carlos gasps and kisses him back with the force of a whirlwind, and he's not sure if the wetness he feels are his tears or Jay's, but he doesn't care. They don't stop for breath, they cling onto each other like they're the only one holding each other together, because that's _exactly_ how it is.

Jay slows down eventually, his legs shaking as he nudges his way into Carlos' neck. Tears trickle down his back, warm and fast, but he doesn't move.

He's glad it's the other way around this time, because Carlos doesn't feel quite so useless.

He's starting to think Jay's having the same epiphany, too.


End file.
